Sinning in LA

“By imposing too great a responsibility, or rather, all responsibility, on yourself, you crush yourself.”
-Franz Kafka

"Like most others, I was a seeker, a mover, a malcontent, and at times a stupid hell-raiser. I was never idle long enough to do much thinking, but I felt somehow that some of us were making real progress, that we had taken an honest road, and that the best of us would inevitably make it over the top. At the same time, I shared a dark suspicion that the life we were leading was a lost cause, that we were all actors, kidding ourselves along on a senseless odyssey. It was the tension between these two poles - a restless idealism on one hand and a sense of impending doom on the other - that kept me going."
-Hunter S. Thompson, The Rum Diary

There’s something about the Mr. Musichead Rock Art Gallery that makes the whole place vibrate. You can almost feel the hum of an amplifier behind the paintings and photographs that line the walls, and you can taste the smoke in the air of the darkened clubs in their depictions. You’re on a runway with Keith Richards, embarking on another adventure. You’re breaking strings with The Clash, hearts with The Beatles, and boundaries of all sorts with Ray Charles. The place is part museum, part cool friend’s house in the Hollywood Hills, and part backstage dressing room. It spits fire from Rock Gods all the way out across Sunset Boulevard, and that was before a man in a leather jacket, Hollywood t-shirt, silver dogtags, and Armani glasses that shaded both the past and the sun walked in.

Tom Sizemore.

He has been in some of Hollywood’s top blockbusters, some reality television excursions, and even in a rock band, and now he has somehow found his way here. He is glowing and engaging, and soon starts to share pieces of his life with us, along with the owner of the gallery, Sam Milgrom.

“When I saw Taxi Driver, I was fourteen,” said Sizemore.  “It was the first time I thought ‘Who’s that guy?’”

It’s the same feeling you get when Tom walks in. If you didn’t know he was an actor, you’d immediately think that he had to be someone.

“I was able to know that it was an actor, but I was so fascinated by that guy. This guy could compel me to watch him with such force. When I watched him act, I didn’t watch anything but him. I wanted to know what he was doing. There was something about him as a person that was compelling, and that’s it.”

Although he recognized the star quality, he didn’t want to become what he saw.

“I never wanted to be like anybody. My mom taught me how to like myself, which has actually helped me through this arduous time. I’ve been accused of liking myself too much. But you only can do what you’re given. You play within the parameters of the game.”

I’m not tough. I’m mentally tough, but I’m not a tough guy.

Both Milgrom and Sizemore grew up in the Detroit area, and they reminisced on similar experiences.

“My mother would always say to look out the window, not down at the ground,” said Sizemore. “Everything you want to be, everything you might be is out there.”

“I was grounded for an entire summer. I didn’t go outside, I spent months in a small place in the projects, and all I could do was read. I know all of Hamlet by heart.”

Not only does he have tremendous recollection, but he has fantastic timing, and as it turns out, a great singing voice.

“I was in a band called Day 8. We were actually signed at one point by Jimmy Iovine. We were originally called The Bystanders. Because the definition of a bystander is one who sits seemingly idly by and observes. Which when you think about it, is also the definition of an artist.”

“It was Day 8 because the world was created in seven days, and on the eighth day, all Hell broke loose.”

Of course, we immediately started to role-play what it would be like to step on stage and announce to the crowd just who was about to play.

“We’re Day 8.”

“Fuck You!”

“You know, we’re the Fuck You’s is better than Day 8,” said Sizemore. “It is.”

Though the world still waits for more from The Bystanders, Tom’s connection with music also extended to his enthusiasm for the gallery’s art.

The first piece he purchased was of Bob Dylan.

“That’s from a Los Angeles artist, Chico Munson,” said Milgrom. “It’s freestyle on wood, with four layers of stain. That’s Dylan in ‘65-’66, Blonde on Blonde-era. The woodgrain is part of the art.”

“I’ll take it,” said Sizemore.

He found an ink drawing of Kurt Cobain, and a beautiful rendition of a guitar, both of which he bought without hesitation. I don’t think any of us expected him to purchase anything, but he was drawn in by what I can only assume was the energy. I told you this place vibrates. It might be imperceptible at first, but before long you’re ready to strap on a guitar yourself.

“We have a special today,” said Milgrom, “where if you buy the gallery, you get the dog.”

“We’re not taking that dog with us,” said one of Sizemore’s managers.

So the gallery remains in the hands of Sam, at least for now, but that’s a good thing for the rest of us, so that Tom Sizemore can keep doing what he’s supposed to be doing: acting.

“Look at Bob Dylan,” he said. “He’s been around for over forty years. That takes talent, perseverance, passion for what you do, and taking care of yourself. Young actors will ask what the most important thing they can do to be an actor. If you can imagine yourself doing anything else besides acting, and if you can see it almost becoming real, then you shouldn’t be one. If you are absolutely compelled to be one, you should.”

“I never had a backup plan. If your life is going to be less than what you imagined it to be unless you do it, then you should. If you can see your life being full and fulfilled not being an actor, or a musician, then you’re probably never going to make it.”

I just try to make it fun and I don’t know how I do it. I’m not Bob Dylan for sure, but sometimes I feel like it’s just magic.

In order to truly find yourself and your place in the world, you need to experience life. Though sometimes the path may extend to the darkness (or you just might lose the whole thing entirely), you come out on the other side full of new perspectives. This is a man who has seen and done things that most never will. And through all of it, he remains humble and charming.

And to really extend your vision, follow Tom’s footsteps to Mr. Musichead.