I Too Drink For a Reason - An Open Letter to David Cross
Dear Mr. Cross,
I’m glad that you’re going on a national tour, and that you’ve released a book, especially one with your picture on it. Though the front cover picture is you wearing a hat and waiting for a flight to Atlanta, and the one on the back is you bundled up for the cold, also wearing a hat (this time of the cowboy variety) and, as in the first photo, looking away from the camera. Perhaps this means something about the fact that even though you’re always in front of people, whether on television shows like Mr. Show with Bob and David, or Arrested Development, you’re actually a shy guy, pushing away the crowds and keeping your distance.
Anyhow, I’m not in the business of psychoanalyzing strangers, and not that you’d listen...
I’m happy that you’re in front of more people, actually, because I’m tired of having to explain who you are. “David Cross,” I say. “You know, the guy from Mr. Show. What do you mean you don’t know Mr. Show?” This inevitably leads me to pulling out the DVDs and the signed book I got from you once which explains all of the episodes (and is now out of print). Soon hours are gone and one of the DVDs inevitably goes missing because this friend/stranger is hooked. Hopefully people will read your book, or attend your stand-up act (the first show, by the way, that I’ve been to in five years of living in Los Angeles that did not have ticket scalpers) and they’ll be the ones approaching me and asking if I’ve heard the comedic genius of one David Cross.
Your stand-up show was fantastic.
Why do they remind you that you’re on a non-smoking flight? Was anyone in this room alive when you were allowed to smoke on planes? Why don’t they also remind you that this is a non-slavery flight?
I assume that you went the airplane humor route because you travel so often that these sorts of things must grate on your mind, and also you wanted to get some jokes in for the people who would leave during your anti-religion section. Does this happen in every city, or just this one? I would imagine most, and that’s because people don’t know what they’re in for, I suppose. “What’s the guy from Arrested Development doing making fun of [insert religion here]?”, they must ask each other before heading straight for the car. Thanks to these people, we were able to move down a few rows, though for what reason I’m not sure since it’s a comedy show, and the only important part is hearing it.
Thank you also for coming to Book Soup, our favorite local bookstore, to talk about the book. While I was saddened to find out that “there won’t be any future Three Times One Minus One reunion because Bob and I look too old now,” I was happy to hear you talk more about your YouTube video where you taunted Jim Belushi. “The Belush” surely will continue to snub you, much as he did on the set of the film you worked on with him, but it certainly puts you on track for a Nobel next year as far as I’m concerned. I won’t re-tell the story here, since I want people to read your book, but perhaps the Scandinavians dislike him as much as we do, and they’ll reward your bravery and valor and give you some sort of prize for Belushi taunting. Well done, sir.
Anyway. The title of your book being “I Drink For A Reason” leads me to the refrigerator, where I can overindulge on wine from BevMo’s 5-cent sale. If they have one in New York, I highly recommend going.
You can even wear your scarf and cowboy hat.
No blood for oil,
Chase Maximus
PS- Your publicist claimed not to have any photos of you. Was this a Belushi-style snub? And who was snubbed? Your publicist? Us? Please advise.
